If you’ve heard this or a similar version before I apologize in advance….
A guy works in investment banking on Wall Street. He is routinely working 75 hours weeks, eating like shit and can hardly remember what the gym looks like. Needless to say, he doesn’t feel well, so he decides to go to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells him matter-of-factly that if he doesn’t radically change his lifestyle then he’ll be dead within a year. The guy thinks long and hard about this and decides that health is the most important thing. He drops everything in NYC and moves to a remote town in Alaska for some serious R&R.
The town he settles in is comprised of fisherman and loggers – there don’t seem to be any women at all in the town. In fact, the only source of amusement in the town is the one bar where all the men gather. Although boring, this town is perfect for the guy and he feels more relaxed right from the start.
After a couple weeks, the guy is in the bar having a few beers with the other guys in town. All of a sudden, the ground starts to shake and the windows start to rattle and every other guy in the bar jumps up, starts to cheer and runs out into the street. Curious as to what all the commotion is about, the guy follows them out, only to discover that a caribou stampede is running through the town. What’s more, the men proceed to tackle the caribou to the ground and screw them right there in the street. Once they’re done, the men gather themselves and walk right back into the bar as if nothing out of ordinary has happened.
The guy is appalled at what he has witnessed, but since no one else seems to mind, he decides to keep quiet and not rock the boat as the new guy in town.
A couple weeks later, the guy is at the bar again when the ground starts to shake and the windows start to rattle. Again, all the other men in the bar jump up, start cheering and run out into the street. The guy follows and sure enough it’s another caribou stampede. And sure enough the men tackle the caribou to the ground, screw them and walk back into the bar like nothing is out of the ordinary.
Still perplexed by this odd behavior, the guy once again decides to remain quiet because he doesn’t want to make waves as the new guy. At the same time, he starts to feel pretty horny as the latest caribou episode reminds him that he hasn’t even seen a woman since he’s moved to Alaska.
A couple weeks later, everyone is at the bar once again when the ground starts to shake and the windows start to rattle. All the other men jump up, start cheering and run out into the street. The guy follows them out and sees that another caribou stampede is rolling through town. As the other men tackle the caribou and start screwing them the guy thinks about how horny he is and how he really wants to fit in. Perhaps letting impulsiveness get the better of him he runs out into the street, tackles a caribou and proceeds to screw it. When he’s done he returns to his bar stool, only to his surprise all the other men are giving him dirty looks and whispering about him. Confused, the guy calls the bartender over and asks, “Bartender, I just screwed the caribou like everyone else did. Why is everyone giving me dirty looks?”
The bartender replies, “Buddy…that was the ugliest caribou I’ve seen in my entire life.”
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Frightened on the Jersey Shore
As if the town of Belmar, NJ on the Jersey Shore needed anymore negative press, I submit to you this account from last Saturday night:
I, along with friends, am enjoying drinks/live music at Connolly Station, a local watering hole. The band is pretty low key, spouting out respectable covers of the Allmans, Tom Petty, etc. and the crowd is dressed accordingly – baggy shirts, shorts or jeans and flip flops.
In the midst of arguing about fantasy baseball I spot a man and a woman move into our corner of the bar. Normally, I wouldn’t pay this much mind, but a closer look at this pair had me tapping my friends to check them out as well. First off, the woman, likely in her late 30s, was wearing spandex pants, a sports bra and a bandana and looked like she just stepped off the set of RealWorld/Road Rules Challenge. The guy, also late-30ish had a cheesy hoop earring and was wearing tight, stone-washed jeans and a snug-fitting t-shirt. The overall theme of his appearance was “I just emigrated from Poland and I likely sell coke.”
Silly appearances aside, it was the actions of this odd pair that really grabbed my attention. Upon establishing their new position in the bar, they began to dance. However, they did not employ the usual booze dancing common at places like Connolly Station. Instead, the guy virtually stood still save for moving his arms and bending his knees occasionally, while his presumed girlfriend rotated around him flailing her arms and legs as if she were drowning. It was as if he were the sun and she were some unstable planet that was about to teeter off its axis.
After a couple of songs the guy approaches the bar to get another round of drinks for himself and his little jitterbug. Unable to stand still and wait, the girlfriend walks around the corner of the bar, crouches down on the ground between two other guys and HIDES. The guy peers back to try to find his lady-friend and is thoroughly confused when he sees she is not there. Meanwhile, the girl is sporadically popping her head up above the bar like a child playing hide and seek. The two guys positioned on either side of her at the bar give each other a look like “who brought the freak?”, but shrug it off and get back to swigging their Bud bottles. Finally, the confused boyfriend, wearing an expression that screams “I struggled to get my GED” spies his girl and the two of them enjoy a hearty laugh.
The dancing resumes and by this time the pair’s antics have gotten the attention of at least 50% of the people in the bar. I see women at the complete opposite side of the room pointing at the crazy chick as she dances like an extra in a Ludacris video. However, the icing on the proverbial cake came when she seductively lifted up his shirt and starting around the waistline, proceeded to LICK the entire length of his back. Cut away to other bar goers choking back vomit and turning away in disgust. Many words could be used to describe this pair. I’ve settled on “high-school dropouts” and “ too much ecstasy”.
I, along with friends, am enjoying drinks/live music at Connolly Station, a local watering hole. The band is pretty low key, spouting out respectable covers of the Allmans, Tom Petty, etc. and the crowd is dressed accordingly – baggy shirts, shorts or jeans and flip flops.
In the midst of arguing about fantasy baseball I spot a man and a woman move into our corner of the bar. Normally, I wouldn’t pay this much mind, but a closer look at this pair had me tapping my friends to check them out as well. First off, the woman, likely in her late 30s, was wearing spandex pants, a sports bra and a bandana and looked like she just stepped off the set of RealWorld/Road Rules Challenge. The guy, also late-30ish had a cheesy hoop earring and was wearing tight, stone-washed jeans and a snug-fitting t-shirt. The overall theme of his appearance was “I just emigrated from Poland and I likely sell coke.”
Silly appearances aside, it was the actions of this odd pair that really grabbed my attention. Upon establishing their new position in the bar, they began to dance. However, they did not employ the usual booze dancing common at places like Connolly Station. Instead, the guy virtually stood still save for moving his arms and bending his knees occasionally, while his presumed girlfriend rotated around him flailing her arms and legs as if she were drowning. It was as if he were the sun and she were some unstable planet that was about to teeter off its axis.
After a couple of songs the guy approaches the bar to get another round of drinks for himself and his little jitterbug. Unable to stand still and wait, the girlfriend walks around the corner of the bar, crouches down on the ground between two other guys and HIDES. The guy peers back to try to find his lady-friend and is thoroughly confused when he sees she is not there. Meanwhile, the girl is sporadically popping her head up above the bar like a child playing hide and seek. The two guys positioned on either side of her at the bar give each other a look like “who brought the freak?”, but shrug it off and get back to swigging their Bud bottles. Finally, the confused boyfriend, wearing an expression that screams “I struggled to get my GED” spies his girl and the two of them enjoy a hearty laugh.
The dancing resumes and by this time the pair’s antics have gotten the attention of at least 50% of the people in the bar. I see women at the complete opposite side of the room pointing at the crazy chick as she dances like an extra in a Ludacris video. However, the icing on the proverbial cake came when she seductively lifted up his shirt and starting around the waistline, proceeded to LICK the entire length of his back. Cut away to other bar goers choking back vomit and turning away in disgust. Many words could be used to describe this pair. I’ve settled on “high-school dropouts” and “ too much ecstasy”.
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