Frightened on the Jersey Shore

As if the town of Belmar, NJ on the Jersey Shore needed anymore negative press, I submit to you this account from last Saturday night:

I, along with friends, am enjoying drinks/live music at Connolly Station, a local watering hole. The band is pretty low key, spouting out respectable covers of the Allmans, Tom Petty, etc. and the crowd is dressed accordingly – baggy shirts, shorts or jeans and flip flops.

In the midst of arguing about fantasy baseball I spot a man and a woman move into our corner of the bar. Normally, I wouldn’t pay this much mind, but a closer look at this pair had me tapping my friends to check them out as well. First off, the woman, likely in her late 30s, was wearing spandex pants, a sports bra and a bandana and looked like she just stepped off the set of RealWorld/Road Rules Challenge. The guy, also late-30ish had a cheesy hoop earring and was wearing tight, stone-washed jeans and a snug-fitting t-shirt. The overall theme of his appearance was “I just emigrated from Poland and I likely sell coke.”

Silly appearances aside, it was the actions of this odd pair that really grabbed my attention. Upon establishing their new position in the bar, they began to dance. However, they did not employ the usual booze dancing common at places like Connolly Station. Instead, the guy virtually stood still save for moving his arms and bending his knees occasionally, while his presumed girlfriend rotated around him flailing her arms and legs as if she were drowning. It was as if he were the sun and she were some unstable planet that was about to teeter off its axis.

After a couple of songs the guy approaches the bar to get another round of drinks for himself and his little jitterbug. Unable to stand still and wait, the girlfriend walks around the corner of the bar, crouches down on the ground between two other guys and HIDES. The guy peers back to try to find his lady-friend and is thoroughly confused when he sees she is not there. Meanwhile, the girl is sporadically popping her head up above the bar like a child playing hide and seek. The two guys positioned on either side of her at the bar give each other a look like “who brought the freak?”, but shrug it off and get back to swigging their Bud bottles. Finally, the confused boyfriend, wearing an expression that screams “I struggled to get my GED” spies his girl and the two of them enjoy a hearty laugh.

The dancing resumes and by this time the pair’s antics have gotten the attention of at least 50% of the people in the bar. I see women at the complete opposite side of the room pointing at the crazy chick as she dances like an extra in a Ludacris video. However, the icing on the proverbial cake came when she seductively lifted up his shirt and starting around the waistline, proceeded to LICK the entire length of his back. Cut away to other bar goers choking back vomit and turning away in disgust. Many words could be used to describe this pair. I’ve settled on “high-school dropouts” and “ too much ecstasy”.